


At Least she is willing to Live

by KaladinsSmile



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-11-15 20:22:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18080261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaladinsSmile/pseuds/KaladinsSmile
Summary: Nina and Inej are on a friendly date at a cafe. Nina pesters Inej for details about how Kaz shows affection.Because this is post Crooked Kingdom - The piece is based on a few liberties, but the time frame is not specified:*Nina has returned to Ketterdam at some point in the future.*Kaz and Inej have worked through the majority of their "touching" issues and can easily engage in most physical contact without triggering PTSD.





	At Least she is willing to Live

**Author's Note:**

> I have only listened to this duology! Please excuse misspellings! This is the downside of audiobooks. If something is confusing, try pronouncing it out loud. The Phonetics should be the same. 
> 
> I use an odd format for Dialogue where I: and N: prior to a sentence tells who is speaking. This helps me edit. I hope it isn't too confusing to read!

Nina casts Inej a glance. The Suli girl was staring out the window of their little café. Just the two of them in a tiny booth set away from the rest of the room with their cups of tea and a tray of waffles between them.

N: Doesn’t it bother you that Brekker never displays his affection? He’s basically devoid of anything other than scheming and angry brain matter.

Inej laughed to herself.

I: Nina, you know that isn’t true.

N: I know he gets angry, hateful, and creepily knowledgeable. Oh, and completely flat. That’s about all I’ve ever seen him show. OH! I saw him delighted, once. It was terrifying.

I: Delighted? Was he bathing in Krueg?

Nina giggled.

N: Like I’d want to see Brekker in the bath, though he is quite fetching if you don’t know anything about him. It happened at the ice court, right after he almost drowned in the river.

I: Kaz almost drowned? He didn’t tell me.

N: He wasn’t breathing when we pulled him out of the river. Matthias tried to crush his chest to the rhythm of “I. Should. Let. You. Die.” Quite dramatic. Then I took over his heart to keep it working and performed CPR on him.

Inej blushed.

I: You kissed Kaz?!

Nina tried to wipe her mouth viciously with a napkin.

N: I’m still not sure the stain has come off. I’m honestly not sure Brekker even knows about it. He was… very confused when he came to. He didn’t snap to his grumpy self until I quoted him the wrong amount of krueg that was his cut from the ice court job.

Inej spit up her drink laughing.

I: That would do it. Kaz and his krueg.

N: Anyway, when you, Jesper, and Wylan popped over the hill in your tank, Kaz was grinning like a maniac. It’s the one time I think I’ve ever seen him truly happy. He scowls so much I was more frightened by his grin. Maybe he should try smiling at his enemies. It would certainly deter them.

I: Like a hungry shark who’s found fresh prey.

N: Do you think Kaz ever kissed a girl before you, Inej?

I: I have no idea.

N: He’s so… off-putting. Can you imagine a fourteen year old Kaz trying to put the moves on some girl? Poor girl. And I’ve never even seen him show interest in a woman. Hell, if I hadn’t taken parem I wasn’t quite sure if Kaz even had feelings for you! Imagine it, Inej. Go back to fourteen before all the bad stuff happened and try to imagine Brekker flirting.

I: Terrible imagery. I would have been scared at fourteen. Though, to be honest, he doesn’t flirt now.

N: He never displays his affection in public. Does he display it in private ever?

Inej thought.

I: Rarely. And in very tiny doses. Like it costs him something to admit every time.

N: He probably has a mental krueg budget for all the affection he’s allowed to spend in his lifetime and dolls it out in 5 krueg increments.

Inej giggled.

I: He isn’t like Jesper or Matthias, that is for sure. Or you, either. He’s not loud about it, but that’s just his way.

N: What does he do for you? Spill it.

I: You can’t tell Jesper.

N: I won’t, I won’t. I’ll keep your sappy love story all to myself.

Inej brandished her fork at Nina jokingly.

I: Well, he bought all of my knives for me. One at a time.

N: Too practical. That served a purpose for him. Next.

I: He paid off my contract.

Nina’s draw dropped.

I: He had to of liquidated everything to make that happen. It was before Kuwei’s auction.

N: IN THE MIDDLE OF A JOB?!

I: Yes. He gave me the note from the bank right after the botched Sweet Reef job, but before he went to the Slat. He said “I don’t want you beholden to Per Hascal or me.”

N: Wow. I’m amazed. Brekker spends his beloved krueg on you.

I: He bought my ship, too. Picked it out from Wylan’s fleet and paid for it. And he gave Spect an official Dregs assignment with a substantial increase in pay to ensure that I hired a good crew who was loyal to my cause, and that he kept me as safe as possible while on the seas. He made a few deals with Sturmhond for me, too. One of the conditions of working with the Ravkans on the Ice Court job is that he sent people looking for my parents and sent them on a ship to Ketterdam. That’s how I was reunited with them. He also arranged for me to spend a month with Sturmhond so I could learn to sail with an established crew.

N: YOU SPENT A MONTH WITH STURMHOND?!

I: I did. He taught me a lot.

N: Okay. I’ll get back to all the questions I have about that. So Brekker gives you big rewards, but what does he do behind the scenes?

Inej gave her a quizzical look.

N: You know what I mean. Does he run you bubble baths? Buys your favorite chocolates and hides them all around the room? Steals your underwear so you have to sleep without them? Takes them off with his teeth?

Inej blushed furiously.

I: Nina.

N: SO. Spill it. I want to know what you and Mr. Serious do when you’re alone that makes you feel wanted. How does Kaz Brekker, bastard of the barrel, and most un-fun person I’ve ever met make you happy?

I: You won’t believe me.

N: Try me.

I: He brushes my hair. He’s very gentle.

N: That is unexpected. Keep going.

I: He buys wild geraniums and hides them in my clothes.

N: Are geraniums special?

I: They’re my favorite flower.

N: Oddly sweet of the Skiv. Do you guys sleep together in the same bed, yet?

I: We do.

Inej was a little shy at this. Which made Nina want to push harder. She leaned in close to Inej.

N: Have you seen him… naked?

Inej threw her napkin at Nina.

N: That’s not an answer, Lady. Does he have scales or something? We all know he is part demon.

I: He does not have scales. He is human… all the way down.

Nina beamed.

N: Somehow, that is disappointing to find out. He’s lost some of his appeal now.

I: Oh, hush. It’s not like you were gunning for him.

N: Nope. He’s immune to my flirting, which is no fun at all. And he’s too serious.

I: Matthias was plenty serious.

N: Yes, but in a strong and stoic way instead of a monstrous murderous way. And Matthias, when he wasn’t being a big lump of dumb muscle, was really kind.

I: Kaz is, too.

N: Did you just relate Kaz to the word kind?!

Inej blushed again. Then nodded sheepishly.

I: Kaz is very kind to me. He makes everything my choice.

N: Tell me more.

I: I have lots of bad memories from the Menagerie that are easy to trigger. They… triggered a lot at first. He has never pushed me to do anything with him. Something as simple as a hug, he will offer it, but he always make sure it is my choice if I want the action. If I want to be hugged or if I want to step back. And he never gets angry with me if I step back.

N: Wow.

I: The first time we slept in the same bed together we were kissing…

N: and then…. Juicy stuff now.

Nina winked.

I: At first I was on top of him but then he flipped me over so he was on top. It was something simple. Something I’m sure other couples never think about, but to have the shadow of a man leaning over me on a bed with both his hands and knees on either side of me…

Inej trembled. Nina took her hand, rubbing her knuckles.

N: It was too much.

Inej nodded.

N: What did he do? Did he flip you back over?

I: No.

N: Why? I’m sure he knew instantly that’s what triggered it.

I: He did what Kaz always does - he empowered me. He gave me a little bit more space, but he didn’t back down. Instead, he took the knife off the crate and pressed it into my hand.

N: He gave you a knife instead of just relinquishing control?!

I: You have it wrong, Nina. He gave me the knife to give me control. He said, “I’m willing to be as vulnerable as you feel, Inej.” And then I was angry instead of scared. Angry at the memories, at the hand life had dealt me. So I put the knife to his throat and told him” I will not let you use me until I have nothing to give anymore, then beat me and toss me aside.”

Nina squeezed her hand.

N: Was he angry?

I: No. In a completely even voice, as if I didn’t have a knife to his throat, “Have I ever been that man to you? You have to decide, Inej. It is your choice. If you have any doubts, go ahead and slit my throat so you can be free of me.”

N: That was… powerful.

I: I was crying and I just held the knife for a long time. Then he shifted his weight to free a hand and wiped the tears from my cheek. He kissed my forehead like he holds a lock – lovingly. I put the knife down. “I won’t defend myself from you, Kaz.” He leaned back into a sitting position and pulled me to his chest. He ran his hands through my hair while I cried and when I was through, ever so softly he said “You will never have a reason to defend yourself from me, Inej. I will kill anyone who gets near you or hurts you, including myself.”

N: Who know he could be such a softy? I thought he was a monster through and through.

Inej smiled.

I: He is. He’s my monster.

Nina cackled. The sound resounding.

N: And he loves you very much. You’re the dragon’s treasure that they fight to protect. And while Brekker may be a scum of a human, he loves you.

I: Nina, you know Kaz isn’t the worst out there, right? He’s manipulative, cruel and calculating. But he keeps to his word. He doesn’t beat people who have nothing to do with a scenario when he’s angry. I’ve never seen him strike a member of the gang that wasn’t trying to hurt someone innocent or was a proven traitor. He doesn’t buy and sell bodies in brothels. He refuses to even run a brothel. And I doubt he’s ever cornered a girl to take advantage of her.

N: I know. His reputation precedes him, but people assume the worst of it. He’s not kind. He’s not emotional. But he isn’t a bully. Except maybe to Jesper.

I: I think Jesper reminds him of his brother before he died. I think that’s why he’s so hard on Jesper and why he lets him talk back to him so much.

N: And before Wylan, Jesper had such a magnificent crush on Kaz. I wonder why Kaz never squashed that spark out of Jesper? It was well within his abilities.

I: I asked him once about it. He said that he didn’t know how to turn Jesper down without being cruel, so he just pretended to not notice it instead. I think he intentionally did not want to be the one to crush Jesper’s heart.

N: That’s kind of cute.

Inej nodded.

I: He threw something at me when I couldn’t stop giggling.

N: What was it like when you first joined the Dregs? Was it… terrible?

I: With the gang or with Kaz?

N: You are Kaz’s Wraith. Has it always been that way?

I: Kaz engineered a contract that allowed Per Hascal to give me a loan to pay off my indenture without purchasing my indenture. Kaz was very clear that this was a loan from the Dregs and not an indenture. I didn’t understand the difference for a long time. But it was the first of many small gestures Kaz did for me.

N: Tell me about the early days.

I: Kaz always intended for me to be his spider.

N: Why? You were a brothel girl.

I: I snuck up on him in the Menagerie.

N: WOAH. Don’t they have bells on their ankles?

I: Yes. But I’d wanted to be silent so I had, and in a rare moment of bravery I said “I can help you.” Then Kaz walked away. I honestly thought he’d ignored me outright at the time. He returned the next day and freed me from the Menagerie. It was very strange. I didn’t understand the barrel or the gangs or anything about Ketterdam. But I went with him because I was sure that anywhere was better than where I was. And Kaz didn’t lie about anything he said that day. He told me the terrible truths instead of the kind lies, but it made me trust him. “If it was a trick, I’d offer you safety and happiness. I don’t know if those exist in the barrel, but you’ll find none of it with me.” It was a comfort.

Nina finished the last bite of her waffle and ordered them some more.

I: He bought me clothes and ordered that I stay at his side as often as was practical for the next week.

N: Not creepy at all.

I: It was for my protection, but Kaz wouldn’t admit that. And I was scared of everything. He arranged for me to have a room by myself. Gave me my first knife. He told me I was free from my prior life and that my body was once again my own. I didn’t believe him, of course. He explained why brothel girls were easy targets and taught me how to keep myself safe. It’s because of him that I wasn’t attacked by hungry, drunk goons more often in the early days. Then he introduced me to Jesper and told me that if for some reason Kaz wasn’t available and I was in over my head with someone trying to lay hands on me that I should find Jesper. He must’ve told Jesper the same, because he kept a close eye on me for a long time.

N: Kaz did all of this in such a way that the other Dregs didn’t realize he was protecting you, so they wouldn’t make you an even bigger target?

I: Yes. They initially called me ‘Brekker’s whore’, but that stopped quickly once I started holding my own. As fast as Kaz could teach me skills, I picked them up. Happy to add anything to my arsenal that kept me from being a victim, again. He always empowered me, Nina. He still got angry, of course, but he never took it out on me. He never tried to touch me in any way or share me with the Dregs. At first, I thought I was just going to be used by a reoccurring set of faces instead of different ones all the time, but Kaz squashed that train of thought quickly. And he gave me every tool he could for me to squash it in the rest of the gang.

N: Did they resent you for being with him so much?

I: Definitely. Everyone wanted a spot in Kaz’s good graces, yet he picked a slip of a Suli girl from the Menagerie to tuck under his wing. For a long time, they thought I was just keeping his bed warm. Per Hascal, too. They had a huge falling out over it. Kaz never made promises he couldn’t keep, but he was very attentive. On nights when Per Hascal was drunk and raging over something stupid that he blamed Kaz for, Kaz made me sleep in his room if I wanted to sleep.

N: He let you in his room?

I: It was the one place the rest of the gang wouldn’t go to drag me out. He slept in the office. I think he’s known for a long time that I would be effective leverage against him, so he protected me how he could – by keeping me out of the line of sight and making me an inaccessible target. When we’d get in fights on the street, he compensated for my lack of experience until I was good enough to hold my own and anticipate all the ways someone might try to take you down. I made my first kill protecting Kaz. We were fighting two Razorgulls and while I fought viciously, the one facing me threw a punch I wasn’t expecting. Kaz stepped into it. He had to of known he would get stabbed by the guy he was facing with the knife. But he took the blow for me and in my moment of panic, I saw the blade coming for Kaz’s ribs. I threw my own, and hit the assailant in the throat. He died, his blade never reaching Kaz.

N: Did you guys keep count of who saved who?

I: Never. We joked about it though. Then after the first ten or so times the numbers became irrelevant. We made a point to always save the other.

N: It must’ve been annoying working with Brekker so much.

I: Some days it was definitely… trying, but he never hurt me and he never let anyone else hurt me either. So that made his porcupine personality easier to deal with.

N: Did any of the gang try?

I: A couple. What damage I didn’t do to them, they turned up with later. I suspect Kaz cornered them after he found out. They’d show up broken the next day and the rest of the gang started to notice. It happened exactly like Kaz said it would – a few shows of violence and they would give me the space I needed. Kaz trained me for two months before we started really doing jobs together. I was basically his shadow for almost all of that time. I’m not sure I ever stopped, just that I didn’t need to stand behind his reputation anymore.

N: I bet that softie has had feelings for you for a long time. The only girl who ever listened to him. You two really are cute together. You humanize him. And he looms over the rest of us while you rein him in.

I: He makes it up to me later.

Inej winked. Nina giggled. They finished their waffles and left.

Later, Inej slipped into Kaz’s room through the window.

K: How was Zenik?

I: She’s fantastic, as always.

K: Matthias?

I: She’s sad, of course. But she’s still herself. I think it’ll be a long time before she moves on.

K: Understandable. At least she’s still willing to live, though.

I: What do you mean?

K: Personally, I could understand if she didn’t want to continue living without Matthias. Can’t you?

I: Yes, but I can’t see Nina killing herself over that. She still has so much she wants to achieve.

K: That’s where we’re different. It keeps her strong.

I: What would you do if I died, Kaz?

K: After I finished burning alive and slowly dismembering the people responsible?

I: Yes. After the dramatics.

K: I’d join you in your grave.

I: What?

K: You heard me. If you die, I have no reason to continue and I would have no inclination to find one.

I: Kaz, that’s horrible to say.

K: No, what’s horrible is thinking about existing in a world where you do not. Dying is the easy part.

I: I don’t know that I could say the same, I would certainly want to die, but I don’t know that I could just do it.

K: Good. That means you aren’t stupid. If something happens to me, go move in with Nina or your parents. Continue being happy and making friends. I want that for you.

I: But not you?

K: Nope. Like I said, not interested.

He pulled her into a quick kiss.

K: I’m perfectly content to devote my life to your happiness, Inej. It’s a pleasure. A hobby. An indulgence I do not deserve to know. And it is my reason to draw breath.

I: You and Matthias were more alike than you know.

Kaz laughed.

K: Don’t tell Helvar that. He’d probably roll over in his grave and send his tree god after me.

 

 


End file.
